More Ole Stuff

Just found some entertaining TV reviews I did for VH1 in ye olden days (before Gossip Girl jumped the shark):

Gossip Girl

What can I say about Gossip Girl that hasn’t already been written? Is it the greatest teen TV drama of all time? Possibly. Though I think it lacks the heart of the O.C. Remember how we all rooted for Seth Cohen? There is no Seth Cohen on Gossip Girl – only Dan Humphrey, who is way too good looking to be believable as an outsider. (Though he does have a little head. I know because I met him. His head is smaller than my head and I have a very small head.) Instead of rooting for the characters on Gossip Girl, we all want them to be as bad as possible and to get away with it! Despite this, I am hopelessly addicted to Gossip Girl to the degree that I grappled with severe depression this summer, which was clearly linked to Gossip Girl withdrawal.

Thankfully it’s now back on and after only a few weeks, things are crazy as ever on the UES. This week featured a Dangerous Liasons type plotline. Blair Waldorf, who has grown sick of “that little troll, Vanessa” has made a wager with Chuck to seduce and destroy the socially conscious, hardworking, homeschooled amateur filmmaking girl. The prize: sex with Bair!

An opportunity presents itself to Chuck: Vanessa is trying to save a landmark bar in Brooklyn that sure could use a cash infusion from a millionaire. When Chuck shows up to bailout the bar he befriends the bar’s owner who regales him with tales of macho Kennedys drinking there in the past. He decides maybe he really does want to save the place and boning Blair becomes secondary to his new mission. He also develops a liking for Vanessa. When Blair realizes this, she tells Vanessa everything so that Chuck is then scorned by both the bar owner and Vanessa. Plus Chuck’s cyborg father doesn’t want him wasting the money on a bar in Brooklyn because the Gossip Girl audience is supposed to believe that Brooklyn is for poor people. Blair calls the whole deal off and invites Chuck to come collect his prize anyway, which he refuses to take because Blair won’t say those three little words to him.

There are several other secondary plotlines: Cyborg dad has greatly chapped Serena’s ass by trying to establish “family rules.” Also, Serena thinks he is responsible for gay brother not bringing a date to their family housewarming party. (Everyone makes up in the end when they realize all of their problems are the fault of their shitty mother.)

Meanwhile hipster dad, Jenny and Dan have taken Nate under their wing since Dan and Jenny discovered that Nate is now poor and actually squatting at the home he shared with his family before his father embezzled millions and had to leave the country.

Poor, Nate: First prostitution. Now squatting. I just want to breastfeed him! Not sure what will happen with him living in the Humphrey household. A hookup with Jenny, perhaps? Speaking of hookups when is hipster dad gonna bone Vanessa or at least do something bad like the rest of the characters?!!

One Tree Hill

Watching One Tree Hill after Gossip Girl is like chasing fine champagne with Wild Irish Rose. Instead of featuring hot, young, rich urbanites in fabulous outfits; it features normal-looking, regularly dressed people with children who play sports and live in the suburbs – ew! I don’t know where One Tree Hill is, but I can tell you I never want to go there because it’s boring as hell. To be fair, my friend, Tanya, tells me that this show was good when the characters were “all in high school.”

That’s exactly the problem with people like the ones featured on this show – they reach their peak in high school.

But anywho, it comes on right after Gossip Girl and out of a sheer, lazy inability to remove my eyes from the TV screen (or possibly because I hate myself) I have been watching it on a weekly basis. This means I’m just getting to know these douchebags.

The incredibly annoying child actor who plays “Jamie” was the star of this “heart-warming” (sound of me vomiting into a nearby trashcan) episode. When a bully opens up a can of playground whoop-ass on precocious little Jamie (because he’s wearing a cape) his shithead unrealistic parents are forced to deal. Meanwhile the mother gets so pissed at the bully’s mother that she opens up a can of whoop-ass on her. Then the dad brings capes to everyone at the playground and he, himself, wears a cape so that the children suddenly think capes are cool, which they are as long as they’re mini capes. Long capes are about as flattering as pleated pants.

Other plotlines include “Brooke” (Sophia Bush) taking care of a fifteen year-old runaway (the only interesting character in the whole show.)

While Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) and Peyton (Hilarie Burton) adjust to life as a live-in couple. When the two lovers try to “do it” in Lucas’s mother’s bed (I mean, his mother’s not there or anything like that…) he experiences E.D. and this somehow leads to them separating the room with a line of tape ala Ralph Malph and Potsy – a plot device I always love, but which was executed, like all things over at One Tree Hill, in an annoying fashion.

 

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