Archive for March, 2011

More Ole Stuff

March 27, 2011

Just found some entertaining TV reviews I did for VH1 in ye olden days (before Gossip Girl jumped the shark):

Gossip Girl

What can I say about Gossip Girl that hasn’t already been written? Is it the greatest teen TV drama of all time? Possibly. Though I think it lacks the heart of the O.C. Remember how we all rooted for Seth Cohen? There is no Seth Cohen on Gossip Girl – only Dan Humphrey, who is way too good looking to be believable as an outsider. (Though he does have a little head. I know because I met him. His head is smaller than my head and I have a very small head.) Instead of rooting for the characters on Gossip Girl, we all want them to be as bad as possible and to get away with it! Despite this, I am hopelessly addicted to Gossip Girl to the degree that I grappled with severe depression this summer, which was clearly linked to Gossip Girl withdrawal.

Thankfully it’s now back on and after only a few weeks, things are crazy as ever on the UES. This week featured a Dangerous Liasons type plotline. Blair Waldorf, who has grown sick of “that little troll, Vanessa” has made a wager with Chuck to seduce and destroy the socially conscious, hardworking, homeschooled amateur filmmaking girl. The prize: sex with Bair!

An opportunity presents itself to Chuck: Vanessa is trying to save a landmark bar in Brooklyn that sure could use a cash infusion from a millionaire. When Chuck shows up to bailout the bar he befriends the bar’s owner who regales him with tales of macho Kennedys drinking there in the past. He decides maybe he really does want to save the place and boning Blair becomes secondary to his new mission. He also develops a liking for Vanessa. When Blair realizes this, she tells Vanessa everything so that Chuck is then scorned by both the bar owner and Vanessa. Plus Chuck’s cyborg father doesn’t want him wasting the money on a bar in Brooklyn because the Gossip Girl audience is supposed to believe that Brooklyn is for poor people. Blair calls the whole deal off and invites Chuck to come collect his prize anyway, which he refuses to take because Blair won’t say those three little words to him.

There are several other secondary plotlines: Cyborg dad has greatly chapped Serena’s ass by trying to establish “family rules.” Also, Serena thinks he is responsible for gay brother not bringing a date to their family housewarming party. (Everyone makes up in the end when they realize all of their problems are the fault of their shitty mother.)

Meanwhile hipster dad, Jenny and Dan have taken Nate under their wing since Dan and Jenny discovered that Nate is now poor and actually squatting at the home he shared with his family before his father embezzled millions and had to leave the country.

Poor, Nate: First prostitution. Now squatting. I just want to breastfeed him! Not sure what will happen with him living in the Humphrey household. A hookup with Jenny, perhaps? Speaking of hookups when is hipster dad gonna bone Vanessa or at least do something bad like the rest of the characters?!!

One Tree Hill

Watching One Tree Hill after Gossip Girl is like chasing fine champagne with Wild Irish Rose. Instead of featuring hot, young, rich urbanites in fabulous outfits; it features normal-looking, regularly dressed people with children who play sports and live in the suburbs – ew! I don’t know where One Tree Hill is, but I can tell you I never want to go there because it’s boring as hell. To be fair, my friend, Tanya, tells me that this show was good when the characters were “all in high school.”

That’s exactly the problem with people like the ones featured on this show – they reach their peak in high school.

But anywho, it comes on right after Gossip Girl and out of a sheer, lazy inability to remove my eyes from the TV screen (or possibly because I hate myself) I have been watching it on a weekly basis. This means I’m just getting to know these douchebags.

The incredibly annoying child actor who plays “Jamie” was the star of this “heart-warming” (sound of me vomiting into a nearby trashcan) episode. When a bully opens up a can of playground whoop-ass on precocious little Jamie (because he’s wearing a cape) his shithead unrealistic parents are forced to deal. Meanwhile the mother gets so pissed at the bully’s mother that she opens up a can of whoop-ass on her. Then the dad brings capes to everyone at the playground and he, himself, wears a cape so that the children suddenly think capes are cool, which they are as long as they’re mini capes. Long capes are about as flattering as pleated pants.

Other plotlines include “Brooke” (Sophia Bush) taking care of a fifteen year-old runaway (the only interesting character in the whole show.)

While Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) and Peyton (Hilarie Burton) adjust to life as a live-in couple. When the two lovers try to “do it” in Lucas’s mother’s bed (I mean, his mother’s not there or anything like that…) he experiences E.D. and this somehow leads to them separating the room with a line of tape ala Ralph Malph and Potsy – a plot device I always love, but which was executed, like all things over at One Tree Hill, in an annoying fashion.

 

Fixing Things

March 27, 2011

Hallo, blogosphere friends. You’ll be happy to know that my good friend, J-boy, has helped me rescue everything off the hard drive that almost died in the historic steam pipe explosion 2010. Computer woes solved. Paintings fixed. Jen Junior saved. Seems like the mess is cleaned up. (Still dealing with my mental mess!) What this means for you, my loyal readers, is that I now have years worth of writing at my disposal. Looking back, I am personally awed by my own prolific output of ridiculousness. Am LOL-ing at many of the press releases and obviously the nostalgia factor means this is taking forevs. Will try to post as much as I can. This one, I just found. It’s a press release for JJ’s 5th birthday party. Written by JJ:

A Celebratory Anti-Slam in honor of Rev. Jen Junior’s 5th Birthday:

Reverend Jen Junior’s Black and White Ball!

At Mo Pitkin’s, 34 Avenue A (212)777-5660 (F to 2nd Avenue)

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

9:30 pm, performers get 6 minutes

4 dollars

Now that I five year old, my mama say I old enough to write my own press release so even though I’m busy acting and modeling I guess I have to do so. (I really need a personal assistant.) Even though I not really know why it necessary since I so popular that everyone already know about my party. Still it can’t hurt. (I won the “most popular” award at Bowery Poetry Club.)

Anyway, I’m gonna be five! Seems like just yesterday I only weigh a pound and get to ride around in pocket! And since I’m getting older I want to do sumthing classy. My birthday fall on a Wednesday, which is the same night as the anti-slam, so I decide to have my party there. And it going to be like Truman Capote’s Black and White Ball! (There’ll still be an open mike, but I’d really like it a lot if performers dress in black or white formal wear (not required) and pen poems and tributes to me. And if they too lazy to do that, just get me gift.

As far as gift go, it’s the thought that count but here are some thing I like: outfit, toy, and treat (though the vet say I get a little heavy and people call me the “Liz Taylor of the art star scene” I been doing wind-sprints and totally getting in shape.) Also, more than anything, I like ATTENTION. If you don’t pay me the appropriate amount of attention on my birthday, you will be asked to leave. Period.

Now, what else? Oh yeah, um, I like other dog, but Mo Pitkin is restaurant and I don’t think they like it too much if I turn it into dirty, urine-covered dog run, so leave your bitches at home! Really it’s just gonna be me and my BF, Taco. THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY CLASSY EVENT.

And the perfect way to celebrate what an amazing year I’ve had. Just this year alone: I starred in a Moby video, hosted the dog Halloween parade and continued my success on the hit TV show, The Adventures of Electra Elf.

How cool am I? If you’ve been to my birthday parties before, you know they are always the social event of the season. SO DON’T MISS IT.

Gotta Get Happy

March 9, 2011

Now that the shit week has come to an end and spring is near, I’m starting to get kind of sort of happy (but not so much that it interferes with my art!)

JJ is doing really well, I finished a painting, galleys of my book will be ready in April, and I’m just starting to get my tax shit in order. Did you know tax day is also Leonardo Da Vinci’s birthday? AND, it’s also the birthday of Keith (of KATG) and he and Chemda are going to have a lot of special events that week to celebrate. (Pretty sure Faceboy is hosting Bingo at Bowery that Sunday…)

So, what are you crying for? This brings me to part two of my post. One of the great things about hosting an open mike in NYC is that New York City will never run out of talent. Might seem like it sometimes, but there are always surprises. Over the years, I’ve seen some of the most amazing songwriters on the planet get up and play. One of my faves was Langhorne Slim . He’s now touring allover the place and putting out records, but the man’s got the music in him. Love this song. He calls it self therapy, but it’s therapy for the listener too.

And here’s the painting I just finished, based on the alien abduction dream I had a few weeks ago:

Venusians

 

Next Anti-Slam

March 7, 2011

p.s. The next Anti-Slam is Wed., the 23rd (there are a lot of Wednesdays in March) where JJ and I will be making our first public appearance since the incident. Be there and see the superstar in person. (She now has all kinds of LES street cred. She’s like the “GG Allin of canine performance artists.”)

JJ Update

March 7, 2011

In case you haven’t been following my facebook posts, here’s what’s been going on in my f’d up life: My beloved Chihuahua, Reverend Jen Junior (a.k.a. JJ) swallowed a sewing needle last Monday night. Not sure how she got it. Only thing I can think is that it must have fallen off my vanity and onto the floor where she found it, and like oh so many things (trolls, socks, tissues, etc.) she attempted to chew it. Then she came staggering out of my bedroom and into the kitchen where I was painting and I looked over and she was choking on it. Her mouth was bleeding and it was halfway down her throat at that point. I tried to get it out but she started freaking (who can blame her?) and swallowed it. I grabbed her and raced out the door. At first I was headed to the 62nd Street 24-Hour Animal Hospital, but I put in a call to my friend, Holly, who runs waggytail rescue. She told me to go to 15th Street Animal Hospital, which I didn’t know existed, but is much closer and less crowded and overwhelmed. They were excellent. Within 15 minutes they’d X-Rayed her. Luckily, the needle didn’t puncture her esophagus or intestines, but landed right in the middle of her belly where it was surrounded by food! Because of all the food, they had to schedule surgery for the next morning.

Faceboy raced up to the hospital and met JJ and me. The vet let us have some alone time with JJ, hugging and petting her before we were forced to leave her there and head home. (She wasn’t in pain and was very calm.)

We drank Buds at Face’s while I sobbed and he put on Partridge Family tunes (in an attempt to make me stop crying) along with “The Bitch is Back.” His GF, Punk’n called and suggested I put a public link to my paypal to try to raise some funds for what the vets estimated would be a 4,650 dollar operation. I did and Punk’n posted it on the Keith and the Girl web site while Tom Tenney also posted a link on my web site. Donations started rolling in since Rev. Jen Junior is officially the most popular girl in the world! At this point, I have to offer a huge thank you to every single person who gave to the JJ Needle Fund. We raised 950 bucks in 24 hours after which, my mother offered to pay the balance (which it turns out was 2,000 bucks less than estimated though still gigantic.) JJ and I are two lucky bitches!

The next day, I called early and was told JJ was still in surgery. Was silently having a freak-out and praying there would be no complications. Around 11am the vet called and said JJ’s surgery went smoothly and she was resting. They also told me she was on heavy drugs so I wouldn’t be able to visit until the next day. Without her, my apartment seemed so empty…no wagging tail or dramatic barking or begging for food and humping things.

I woke at the crack of dawn and called. The vet told me I could come in at 1 to get the girl. Yay! Faceboy joined me in the happiest reunion of all time. They brought her out to us wearing a ridiculous blue cone of shame. Despite the fact that she was obviously doped-up, she wagged her tail and licked Faceboy’s head. (A habit of hers…) The vets were excellent, very caring and they said they’d fallen in love with JJ. The receptionist said he thought JJ must have been trying to sew herself an Oscar gown, so they obviously got her personality too.

Now she’s been at home 5 days and her incision is healing quickly. (Almost like she has Wolverine-style regenerative properties.) I am SO happy to have her back, so happy that a lot of other bullshit doesn’t really seem to matter much these days. Also, really grateful to have incredible friends who called and emailed constantly and gave generously, not just donations but love too. At the moment, there’s nothing else I need in this world. She goes off doggie dope tomorrow and I’ve still got to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t tear her stitches out, but it looks like she’s getting her energy back.

Will keep everyone updated. In the meantime, painting, relaxing (nerves are still pretty shot) and working (JJ’s been coming to work with me.) And hoping the rest of 2011 kind of calms down.