I am terrified. Terrified of the phone ringing, terrified of it ringing before noon, after noon, at night, all the time. Terrified of bad news, terrified of being annoyed, terrified of people asking for things. Terrified of what each day holds, of the roller coaster, of no stability. I’m terrified of getting a job, of expectations, of being unemployable, of not getting a job, of really truly losing my mind and ending up in a straightjacket. Actually, I’m not that terrified of the straightjacket because once I’m in a straightjacket I’m someone else’s responsibility. Right now, I am my responsibility and I can’t handle me any longer. I’m like a child that somehow figured out how to live on its own. Today I had one thing on my to-do list: buy toothpaste. I didn’t buy toothpaste but I did 7 drawings and now I have halitosis and 7 drawings no one wants. Actually, people will want them but I will sell them at a stupidly low price because I’ll have a Con Ed bill or some other bill due and I will be desperate to pay it. All my adult life, I’ve acted like a crackhead the way I sell things, like my body, for instance. But I’m not a crackhead; I’m just a bohemian who can’t figure out how to live very well, like that guy in the opera burning his plays to stay warm only I’m metaphorically burning my plays to pay Con Ed. Sometimes it’s to stay warm with the space heater and other times it’s to stay cool with the AC, but like that guy, I don’t make smart choices.
But I TRY. I try. And I have hope. I hope for many things. I write an article and hope whatever publication I’m writing for will like it. I write madness on my blog and hope that the 3 readers will like it. I do drawings and hope they’ll be liked. I hope that my book will be published and that I’ll write another book and that it’ll also be published and I hope that I get money together to produce my next play and I hope that I have a future and I hope that my family is happy, and my friends are happy and my dog is happy and that every person and animal in the world could just be happy and free from suffering and I know, that is a lot to hope for, so much to hope for that I’ll always be disappointed, always be afraid of news, always be afraid of the phone ringing, always be terrified.
Can I sleep now?
Can I just be a zombie?
Can I just enter the dream realm where I don’t have to make conscious choices and I get to talk to animals and Gods and Goddesses and kittens with glowing third eyes?
Can I just run away?
Can I just shut my eyes?