Checkout Time is 4 A.M.

By now it’s established that I loathe the Dark Tower of Mordor otherwise known as Hotel on Rivington for reasons already covered in this blog. Just read an article in this week’s New York titled “Check out Time is 4 A.M.: Travels through the Hotel-Nightlife Complex” all about similar douche-magnet hip hotels throughout the city. Let us not forget, New York is the same mag that ran the heeelarious “Best Neighborhoods to Live In” article, which made the outrageous claim that the LES is one of he best neighborhoods to live in! (Not surprisingly, it also featured a shitload of ads from you guessed it: Lower East Side Landlords!) So, it would seem the mag has little empathy for downtown bohemians who aren’t happy with the recent influx of hip hotels and the type of person they attract (people who want to turn nasty, lovable, soulful NYC into LA.)

A quick example of the type of douche who is now drawn to the LES: Tonight I was walking JJ and a “jock” type (i.e. not an actual athletic man, but the type of guy who always dresses like he’s going to a gym) said, “Can I pet your dog?” I said, “That’s up to my dog” (because JJ will let you know if she likes you enough to honor you by allowing you to pet her.)

He tried to pet her and she shrunk away from his douchey hands. He then said to me, “I was gonna pet you! And then say it was consensual!” He laughed at his own joke while I stared at him.

“It’s a joke!” he said. “Get it?”

“I’m tired,” I said.

Now maybe you can see why I preferred the junkies who lived here 15 years ago. None of them ever touched me or talked and I was able to live here quietly and happily. This is further addressed in my discussion of my census job in my last artnet column.

But back to the NY Mag article, I found it interesting that the entire thing was kind of “Yay Hip Hotels!” with nary a mention of the fact that The Jane was closed down by angry neighbors.

My solution does of course, involve drinking. I want to celebrate REAL New York City hotels, create a “hot new” scene in them, one that has soul and is distinctly New York. First stop should really be The Algonquin. The drinks there are pricey but they’re no pricier than the drinks at these hot new shitholes. And trust me, there’s no Algonquin in Vegas or LA.


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