I promise not to rant too much here. I don’t want my blog to become a catalog of whining. HOWEVER, I need to put this out there.
If you call me and say, “Hey, Rev. Wanna hang out/wanna come to my show/wanna go to a movie?” I will most likely say no and most likely IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Take a step back and please observe for a moment: I am the busiest art star alive. I don’t have time to do any of these things (movies, hangin’, shows) because I am either making art, working or looking for work. In a perfect world, I would have either a trust fund or a huge book deal and I would be able to make my art and also have free time, but like you, I live in an imperfect world where I have to work.
Not to mention, a couple of years ago the insane pace of my life led to me developing panic disorder, which I now have under control. But if I push myself and exhaust myself too much it comes back and I have to pop Xanax and turn into a zombie and don’t get too much done in those instances. This is exacerbated by emotional exhaustion. SO, if you want me to avoid the psych ward, please go easy on me!
Why am I ranting like this? Two nights ago, a friend who is doing a show messaged me: Wanna come to my show tonight? I can comp you. I messaged back that I was not feeling so well and had a lot to do (was in the midst of PBR art deadline/menstruation/anemia horror) and I declined. She messaged back that her feelings were hurt because I hadn’t come to her show. Though I don’t like to discuss feelings via messaging, I messaged back a lil reminder that I’ve had a tough time lately: My dad died, then my aunt died, then my dog needed surgery then I found out I’m losing my job and might therefore have to sublet my apartment and move back to MD and work at Target for the rest of my life. Hence, not really in the mood for yukkin’ it up. She messaged back: You’re not the only one who has lost someone lately.
WTF?!! I expected, Take the time you need to heal. (Or something like that.) But all of a sudden I am a bad person for taking time to myself to address my own suffering. As if I didn’t fucking know that other people are suffering! Jesus H. Christ: EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV. (Oh wait…my TV is broken, but you get the idea.) My friend lost her grandpa this year and of course, I feel bad for her and of course I feel bad for anyone who has lost anyone this year. In fact, I feel bad for every sentient creature on the planet because everyone suffers at one point or another. I lost ALL of my grandparents as a child and there are nights when I suffer thinking I wish I’d gotten to grow older with them. THE WORLD IS FULL OF LOSS AND SUFFERING. I understand. But it does not diminish my sadness, my need to be alone, my need to feel sane. It doesn’t make the memories of the days and nights when I watched my father struggle for every breath hurt less. Don’t belittle what I just went through.
And that is why I need a fucking break. That is why, I don’t take it personally when my friends can’t come to my shows or hang out with me. That is why I’m pissed off today.