Was going through my computer, digging up writing samples in hopes of finding some paid work somewhere on earth and I remembered that once upon a time, I wrote TV reviews for VH1’s web site. Like most things that are too good to be true, this didn’t last long. In fact, the reviews never even saw the light of day and many of the shows I covered were cancelled. But I enjoyed reading the reviews and thought I’d share a few here. (Now that I have a blog there will be a lot of this, me sharing things that never went to print.)
This was my review of a terrible show called In Harm’s Way:
In Harm’s Way
In Harm’s Way is a show about people who, like me, are desperate for money. But because they live in rural areas they don’t have the luxury of working crap retail and temp jobs so they end up doing potentially harmful things like relocating wildlife and riding bulls. Hence the title: In Harm’s Way
Initially I signed up to review this program because I thought it would feature hot men, which it has. (Bull riders are just the type of drunken nihilists I’m attracted to.) However, the show has also had the unexpected side effect of making me grateful for the fact that the most dangerous thing I have to do each day is cross the street to go to the bookstore where I work.
This week my friend, Jason, came over for two back to back episodes. The first featured wildlife translocators (people who capture, transport and release a species from one location to another.) We realized immediately that this would mean we would witness animals being wrangled and caged.
As I watched a wildebeest being wrestled by its horns, tears filled my eyes.
“This is gonna be hard for us,” Jason said.
“I miss Man Versus Beast,” I added, longing for the ye olde programming trend of animals attacking and/or outwitting humans.
“This is a real fuckin’ downer. It’s like the audience is in harm’s way.”
“Seriously. At least that wildebeest is getting good drugs. They’ve got more Special K than The Tunnel circa 1990.”
“This is like watching the TKE fraternity.”
The wildebeest in a K-Hole was quickly taken to the ground. This was followed by a yak bleeding like Robert De Niro in Raging Bull and an escaped giraffe being bound, blindfolded and escorted back to its “sanctuary.”
J-Boy and I were certain the show couldn’t get more disturbing until the final segment wherein an abrupt voice over informs viewers that the episode’s protagonist, a wildlife relocator with a wife and child, fell out of a helicopter and died a few months after the episode was shot.
I’m not sure I can or want to handle another week of this kind of emotional upheaval. Please, CW, give me some lighthearted wartime entertainment!